Ghost Rider

I recently finished reading Neil Peart's book The Ghost Rider. Prior to this book he wrote another book called The Masked Rider. That book was well written and allowed your imagination to create what he was describing; a bicycle tour with a group of individuals through the country of Cameroon. The Ghost Rider is the compilation of his journal entries, letters to friends, and memories of a period of his life during and after the loss of his daughter and wife. Talk about a dark subject. The fact that he made it through and at some point felt compelled to tell his story, really resonates with me. That kind of thing just shows me how strong and resilient a human can be. He also has shown me that it is possible to move on and rebuild a life, even though I often wonder how, why, and what's the point. Because of his book and what he's written I've been writing in a journal. It's also dark and often times depressing. But it really helps me collect my thoughts and helps me put my mind at rest so I can attempt to sleep.

This period of my life right now is so bizarre. I still exist and still make the appearance that I'm a stable person, but inside there's nothing but turmoil. A conclusion Neil came to is only movement could ease his pain. I've found this to be true, but you can only move so much. Just like he describes in his book, I too have demons come out at times of rest and that's when moving on and trying to be positive is hard.

What's so difficult is trying to understand what my future holds. Or better yet, do I even have a future or one I want? Nine and half years of my life were dedicated to my wife and now that that dedication is gone, ultimately a huge part of my life is gone. Desires, laughter, love, communication has all been taken away. Any attempt at being social now has this weird skew to it that makes being social even more difficult for my introverted-ness. Mostly I feel just negative towards being social. Unfortunately for my friends and family their attempts at helping me do little more than shortly cheer me up.

I don't know. I'm at a loss for everything and don't know what to do, but go through the motions day by day and hope I will slowly work through this. Maybe one day come out at some point as a sane and slightly happy person.

In attempt to leave on a lighter note, here's a picture of a window display I saw today on a motorbike ride.